Real Life Happens

Is it just me? Seriously, like – let me rant, and please, share your thoughts – but I seriously wonder what is wrong with people.

I’m a pretty public person – I have a webpage, Tumblr, Twitter, Facebook and a myriad of other sites I have a profile on, many of which cater to some very specific fetishes and interests. Those interests and fetishes make up who I am – I don’t indulge in them all day every day, but when I have the opportunity, I love to explore them and have fun, with the end goal being a (hopefully) earthshattering orgasm, after which I am sated until the next opportunity or wave of horniness takes over. I get that – I think everyone does (or should),

But here is the crux. 24/7/365 – real life happens. This means – I have a job 40 hours a week, and I have a home life, where I have complicated relationships with no fewer than 3 other people in my house on a daily basis. Polyamorous relationships are complex and take a lot of effort every day. And It’s not all a big orgy or sex from the minute I get home until I return to work, only for the cycle to be repeated again.

There are REAL LIFE things – you know – laundry, dinner, dishes, cleaning, vacuuming and errands like grocery shopping and so on. Add to that events we attend and things we plan and time with friends and family, plus 4 very different schedules, and you start to realise that earth-shattering sex doesn’t happen very often.

So then – why is it that men who approach me on any one of the sites I frequent seem to think I can just, at the drop of a hat, drop everything and race off to play, or fuck or whatever. It is simply NOT that simple.  Real Life happens – and that includes being unavailable to come and shove my dick inside of them.

Recently, a guy who I have had a few minor chats with got all pissy and said “well when you want to fuck, let me know” – well I always want to fuck (well almost) but the practicality is this – As head of my house-hold, I need to fulfil my obligations as such, ensure dinner is prepped and 4 schedules are synced, and the house doesn’t grind to a halt. I have to be rested and ready for work, as do my partners, and I have to get downtime for that to happen.

I have also never been the kind of guy who likes anonymous sex or the back room type sex or the “quickie” in a motel room nor the one-night-stand kind of sex. I don’t do hook-ups for casual sex. I have trust issues, I admit. And maybe it was because I came out so late, but I like to know the person I am playing with. I like to have built a rapport and trust with them before I play. I need that to be able to relax and enjoy myself and not sit there worrying if the guy on the other side of the play session is some kind of psycho.

Most often, I play with people after having met for coffee or in some other social environment, where I get to know them somewhat and am able to get an actual vibe from them. The internet is great and all, but you can’t always judge someone by what they say online, a face to face meeting is better for getting to know and trust them. But that bring up the other issue: The internet itself.

Real life Happens – and, for all intents and purposes, the Internet is not real life. That is not to say that real people aren’t out there and that it is an awesome way to chat and get to know people, it is. 

But it is a thing behind which people can hide themselves. We only present certain aspects of ourselves, especially when courting someone. We don’t have to be 100% open or honest, we can present ourselves as we would like to be, instead of as we are. That is not to say that everyone out there is dishonest, but this is not the point of this blog, and is perhaps a topic for another day. The way the internet works its way into this blog is this: Just because you chat with someone on occasion - or frequently - online does not mean they are there 24/7/365.

I try and limit my online time when my family is home. I prefer to spend time online when I am alone or in need of that ‘physical space’-type alone time. Trying to meet the “demands” of some guy on the far side of the country, continent or planet is not always physically possible because real life happens around my online life. I have gotten attitude from people in the past where my responses are slow because I am distracted by someone who is actually in my physical vicinity. Sorry, but people around me take precedence. Always. Every time.

And that isn’t going to change. After all, real life happens. At least to me.

Is this what’s wrong with the future?

This is definitely a rant – so be prepared and grab your popcorn or whatever vice you need to make it through – but bear with me.

I have, over the years had many, many people stay with me. Visitors from all corners of the world. Some for brief stays some for extended stays. I have run a bed and breakfast and always accommodated and hosted in a very open and giving manner. So I have experience at being a gracious and giving host.

When people stay with me, I always find it interesting to note their behavior – and here is what I has recently been brought to the forefront for me. People of the older generations (IE born PRE-1985 or so) have something totally fundamental that 99% of those born after that date lack.

Manners.

Allow me to elaborate.

When I was raised by a very hard working mother and my step father, Manners were ingrained into me. They taught me such things as to clean up after myself, to always be polite and respect my elders, and they certainly taught me how to behave when I was at someone elses’ house – even briefly. The fundamentals of that behavioral expectation were these: Offer to help, Say Please, say Thank you, insist on helping, clean up after yourself and be polite always – basically – be on your BEST behavior.

I have observed this same behavior in the older generation I mentioned above almost without fail whenever they have visited my home. And anyone of my friends who has visited my home in recent years have frequently offered assistance with whatever it is that I am working on. (Please don’t get me wrong there is a part of that 1% of the younger generation who do have some of those same manners and qualities whom I know).

But a recent visitor to my home exemplifies the other 99% of the younger generation. Granted, this person was not specifically visiting me, but one of my pups, however, the rules should still apply. Apparently, the rules were never taught to this individual.

First and foremost, a simple greeting, you know – “Hello, nice to meet you/see you again” and an attempt at conversation – was absent. And I don’t care how “socially awkward” you are – that is a simple fundamental thing. Get settled, and make yourself at home,  I am pretty laid back, but to be pretty much ignored and in the space of a week not even being acknowledged some days – leaves me with a hugely bitter taste in my mouth.

If I am cooking you dinner and you are a guest – OFFER TO HELP. If I am washing dishes after a meal I cooked for you – OFFER TO HELP. If I am catering to your needs – say please say thank you and above all OFFER TO HELP.

YOU are a guest in MY home. Treat me, and my home with RESPECT.

MY invitees, my friends wouldn’t DREAM of not offering – even if they know that time and time again I will decline the help. The offer is always there. Repeatedly. This particular visitor did no such thing. I may as well have been a robot to which no respect was owed. And, at the end of a week long stay, when you are all packed up and ready to leave, say “Thank you for having me” or some such thing – hell, I spent most of my week tip-toeing around you and your needs and entertainment. That is the VERY least you could do. That isn’t law, it isn’t a requirement, but it IS MANNERS.

And now that the personal experience part of this rant is over, let’s expand the field here. When last did you hold the door open for someone else to walk through it? I can tell you – for me – it was yesterday. Probably 7 or 8 times. Or asking if while you are up, if there is anything anyone needs? This is daily for me. Or being polite and friendly to the person behind the counter or register at a store? Saying a kind word to the person who helps load your purchases in your vehicle. And saying THANK YOU to those people in service positions.

It is truly alarming how infrequent these BASIC FUNDAMENTAL MANNERS are completely and utterly ignored, or not even KNOWN to the VAST majority of the populace. Is this where we are headed? An entitled, rude, obnoxious and self-absorbed world where any form or manners and decorum are completely obliterated?

Oh shit. We’re already there.

TAKE THE TIME TO THINK

I generally avoid any kind of political writing or opinion making on all my sites and social media. But holy crap I have had enough of this US election already – and there is a long way yet to go until it is finally over. And while I still will try my best to avoid political opinion of the candidates – It may prove difficult with what I am about to say. This whole article, however, is NOT just about the elections – it has plenty to do with every day life too – and social media. So continue reading even if it gets a tad “political”

With social media and the ‘traditional’ media, we have people’s opinions and ‘statistics’ and ‘facts’ thrown in our faces constantly. You can barely scroll down past more than a few posts on Facebook right now and not see at least one political post. Usually they are quite opinionated or deeply vicious in their attacks on one candidate or the other. Typically, they are links to some group who support one party or the other doggedly – and seem to be rather like Fox ‘News’ in their reporting – and fact checking.

‘Facts’ are thrown about like dollar bills at a strip club – littering the air with their foul stench of inaccuracy and bias. And the biggest issue with these so-called ‘facts’ and ‘statistics’ – is that people suck them up and believe them as gospel like they do a free coffee event. No-one checks the facts. No-one does ANY research. No-one THINKS for themselves.

Statistically speaking – just about EVERYTHING can possibly cause CANCER. Did you know that? But here is the caveat:

“How do researchers determine if something is a carcinogen?

Testing to see if something can cause cancer is often difficult. It is not ethical to test a substance by exposing people to it and seeing if they get cancer from it. That’s why scientists must use other types of tests, which may not always give clear answers.

The International Agency for Research on Cancer (IARC) is part of the World Health Organization (WHO). One of its major goals is to identify causes of cancer. The most widely used system for classifying carcinogens comes from the IARC. In the past 30 years, the IARC has evaluated the cancer-causing potential of more than 900 likely candidates, placing them into one of the following groups:

Group 1: Carcinogenic to humans

Group 2A: Probably carcinogenic to humans

Group 2B: Possibly carcinogenic to humans

Group 3: Unclassifiable as to carcinogenicity in humans

Group 4: Probably not carcinogenic to humans

Perhaps not surprisingly, based on how hard it can be to test these candidate carcinogens, most are listed as being of probable, possible, or unknown risk. Only a little over 100 are classified as “carcinogenic to humans.”

(http://www.cancer.org/cancer/cancercauses/othercarcinogens/generalinformationaboutcarcinogens/known-and-probable-human-carcinogens)

Did you know that BACON is possibly carcinogenic to humans? “OMG! Stop eating BACON right now!” – Well that is just dumb. A series of studies (and you can look this up – it is FACT) shows that a VAST majority of foods and substances may possibly  cause cancer.

The issue is NOT so much that Bacon can possibly cause cancer – it is that people will take the fear- mongering and hype to heart instantly, without reading ACTUAL scientific evidence or doing any research. They will simply say “I read that bacon causes cancer – so I am not going to eat bacon anymore.” Yeah, right. You’re probably more addicted to that delicious stuff than I am.

The fact is this – If we BLINDLY accept what we read as fact, we are seeing a very VERY small proportion of the larger picture. Let’s say – the tip of the iceberg, if you will. One statement does not make it true. Not in science. Not in a court of law. It requires EVIDENCE and substantiation.

Now – this is not to say that everything you read is total BS. But – a lot of it is. If you repost a picture of money on facebook – I guarantee you will get money in return. Well quite possibly. The statistics are you will probably get money at some point after reposting the picture. It might be your payday, or interest in the back, or perhaps you will find money lying around. Statistically, you may receive money. But reposting a picture does not AT ALL make it more likely.

I guess the point I am trying to make is that one has to do your OWN research – with an open mind. The Internet can be a wonderful resource – but it has its pitfalls. The Media can insert bias and opinion so cleverly, the hype and fear are taken as ‘Fact’ and that is very dangerous. If someone can instil a fear in you – and let’s face it, there are things we are all scared of – they can more easily manipulate you into certain courses of action.

Let’s look at Fox News for a moment. Did you know that Fox news has not been able to successfully open up a Canadian division? Why? Because in Canada we have legislation which does not allow any News Agent to publish or broadcast unsubstantiated stories – that is – stories without proven fact attached to them. Let that sink in for a moment.

When Rupert Murdoch who created Fox News, purchased the National Geographic Channel did you know that one of his very first actions was to dismiss the entire fact-checking research team? Also, mosquitoes can cause swelling of the nipples in the African Elephant so severe that they lactate uncontrollably.

The point is this. When you are reading the rhetoric and hype and ryders for your political candiates or an article on how bad GMO’s are for you, or if Bacon causes Cancer, or if Obama will take your guns, or Vaccines will kill our children – think about this… Is it substantiated? Is my opinion being swayed to one side or the other by fear or unsubstantiated claims for suit someone else’s agenda?

In short – we are now seeing the “fruits” of our dumbing down of the general populace. We have stopped teaching our children how to think and now we teach them WHAT to think. Parrot fashion. For example - The one (and ONLY) study which found that the MMR vaccine led to autism was not only found to be “flawed” it was retracted and rebuffed by scientific evidence that there is NO such link. (http://www.health.com/health/gallery/0,,20476515_3,00.html)

Fact – since the introduction of the polio vaccine – those who have had the vaccine have not died of polio. The two vaccines for polio have, since introduction, almost completed elimited Polio from the world, and reduced the number of cases each year from an estimated 350,000 in 1988 to 359 in 2014 (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Polio_vaccine and http://www.who.int/mediacentre/factsheets/fs114/en/). Getting your child vaccinated protects not just YOUR child, but the other children they will come into contact with (unless you intend to let them live in a bubble forever)

It seriously took me less than 5 minutes to actually research those facts. So please –do yourself and your friends, neighbours and countrymen a HUGE favour. TAKE THE TIME TO THINK – especially for yourself.

Masters and slaves

1.       Masters

Masters appear to take many forms, but generally they are all fundamentally the same. A Master, typically, is dominant who takes apposition of dominance over a submissive, most often in the form of a slave, and I will get to that later.

In some instances, the title ‘Master’ is earned by someone, and bestowed upon them having had many years of experience and training. This was instituted strongly by the ‘Old Guard’ leather community, and a Master was someone who had worked their way up the ranks from Slave to that position, and earned it proudly.

I should interject here that that I strongly differentiate between the terms Dominant and Top – to me they are two different things. The dominant is always in control – even if he is bottoming. A Submissive and be a top, and still be submissive to a dominant.

Masters aren’t always promoted to such, but I think for a Master to be a good one he should have some experience of the other side of the coin. Experience as a bottom is pretty much virtually essential. And part of me mistrusts the slew of ‘Masters’ who are around age 20 and simply think by using humiliation, verbal abuse and so on to try and win dominance that way. In my opinion (after all this is an opinion piece) those are the most dangerous type of ‘master’. They have little to no experience, very little maturity, and one important element I have seen them lack – Respect.

And by respect I don’t just mean like ‘He’s an older guy, I should call him Sir’ type of respect. I mean – realizing that when you take control of a submissive, you have a duty and a responsibility for that person’s well-being: mental, physical and emotional. A good Master knows this and practices this constantly. Its all fine in a session to break down a subs walls and limits etc – but you need to ensure you are not creating a monster by destroying the vestiges of emotional and mental strength in them. Nor are you causing harm to their body by not knowing your stuff. I have heard horror stories from subs who have left play sessions with such ‘masters’ and been hospitalized from their injuries, or suffered emotional breakdowns, or withdrawn and required therapy to rebuild their trust in anyone ever again. Those types of ‘masters’ I think we can do without.

2.       Slaves

The term slave has many negative connotations in the secular world. Historically speaking, slaves have been abducted from the native lands, transported across the globe and sold as one would livestock. Wikipedia describes slavery as: “Slavery is a system under which people are treated as property to be bought and sold, and are forced to work. Slaves can be held against their will from the time of their capture, purchase or birth, and deprived of the right to leave, to refuse to work, or to demand compensation.”

In terms of the leather community, slaves are to a greater or lesser extent, depending on the Master, precisely that, although in some instances the “ideal” is not achievable. Reality kicks in, and don’t get me wrong, some people are able to make the conditions ideal and maintain it for many years, but that’s not always possible, nor always the case. A slave in leather terms willing surrenders to a Master, which changes the game plan a little, but not much. In doing so, the give up all rights to self. They are stripped of independence, opinion and choice. In some instances they are physically abused, mentally abused and in short, broken to the point of no return. A slave is molded by his Master to be what the Master wishes him to be. Often this is dictated in a mutually signed contract.

Before I delve more into what the relationship between a Master and slave is, let me point out a few things which many potential ‘slaves’ seem to forget.

Firstly, real life happens. It’s a great fantasy to believe that one can totally give up everything in ones life and become a slave to the ideal Master who will have wild kinky sex with him 24/7/365 and life will be bliss. In actuality, unless the Master is independently wealthy, this is impossible. People have to work, earn money, pay bills etc. So – there goes your 24/7. Many gay people have straight friends – who visit or pop over – and may not be quite so happy to see a naked man with a padlocked collar running around the house. (There are some who would – but that’s beside the point). Errands have to be run, and a slave who runs around naked doing them is bound to get arrested. So again – the 24/7 thing doesn’t always work.

Secondly owning a slave is a heck of a lot of work for a Master. Put yourself in those shoes – making EVERY decision for the slave – even when (and if) it can use the toilet, etc. From a slaves perspective, this can be frustrating and annoying (and probably for some a turn on, of course), but in practicality ends up becoming a nuisance to some extent.

In my opinion, I don’t think I would like a slave (Well not at this point in my life) because the practicalities would never allow me to keep it happy and entertained. (You can smile at that).

3.       The Master and Slave relationship

A slave should compliment his Master. And I don’t mean “you look nice today”. I suppose a more correct term would be complete his Master; Be the compliment of; fulfill the Master. He should be trained to do things as his Master desires and only have to be told once. The ultimate ‘yes man’ as it were. He should anticipate the Masters whim and fancy and desires and needs and ensure that the Master’s best interests are always served. A good friend told me once of a slave who literally took a bullet for his Master and dies in the process. It’s that level of dedication that would set aside a true slave from a wanna-be.

Conversely, the Master assumes complete responsibility for the slave – everything from what the slave wears and eats to what his activities are, and what restrictions are placed upon him. Is the slave made to go out and work and earn money for the household? Does he stay home and keep the house in order and do other assigned tasks all day? It’s going to vary by Master, of course, as well as by the practicalities mentioned above. A Master will view the slave as property – much as one would a TV, DVD player or car, I guess, with not too much emotional attachment.

This is not to say that there is NO emotional attachment, only that it is less than that found in an equal relationship. And I think that Love is something which may in some instances be impossible from the Masters side. The emotional detachment is almost a requirement of a Master in this case unless they have absolutely no heart whatsoever. A slave, on the other hand, will probably not only be in love with his Master, but be totally devoted to his being.

4.       My thoughts on these relationships

While I mentioned earlier that I don’t see myself having a slave, I have to admit a certain amount of appeal. Lord knows I hate washing dishes and doing laundry, etc. And having someone to play with and experiment and practice new techniques of kink and BDSM etc on certainly has its appeal. However, for me the practicalities will get in the way. The cost of feeding two mouths, the fact that I have family and friends who visit, my daily routines, social life etc, all these things which would preclude me from actually owning a slave. Besides the fact that I dislike the term “property”, the basis of slavery (forced or not) goes against my upbringing and moral alarm bells.

I feel a human life is far too valuable to be sold and traded as one would a cow. But that’s just me. And this is my opinion.

 I Value your comments, opinions and input on this subject! Post a comment below!!

Something Short

So today i blogged on my site about Honesty, Integrity and Respect. These three cornerstones are values which I truly do believe in and do my utmost best to follow. I wonder why it is that some people struggle with them so much? What do YOU think? Drop me a comment!!

On another note.....

Im working on a post for here about Roles.... specifically Domaninats and Submissives in the kink community. Doe sthis sound like something people are interested in hearing my opinions on?

An Introduction

So some people are about to ask - Why a new blog, Johnny? Well its simple. The blog on my site is about me. Its about what goes on in my life, and sometimes its a rant or expression of my feelings. This blog I intend to use more for opinions - how I view things - specifically related to the life of a Gay man into leather and kink. I hope I will be able to spread information and sometimes even a twist of humour here.